Okay God….. I’m mad.
That’s right….. I’m mad at God.
So what you say….. I can live with that. First off, let me tell you who “I’ am.
I am John. I am Brenda’s husband. I am exceptionally proud to have Brenda as my wife and thoroughly excited I get to spend my life with her.
I realized I was still angry with God this past week as my wife went to the doctor.
This started on our honeymoon and lasted over a year…… I wasn’t mad at my wife (not entirely – more on that in a bit)…. I was mad that she was suffering. If you have ever met my wife – you know she is an amazing woman. She radiates love and has a smile that puts you at ease. She captivates those around her. I always have said….. “My wife loves everyone, I am just lucky enough to spend every day with her!”
So, he we are…….. newly married couple, change of residence for me, new family – basically A LOT of change. Okay, I knew it was coming and I was okay with that. What we didn’t see coming was diabetes, asthma, high cholesterol, vision issues, female issues, sickness, doctor’s visit, specialist, adverse reaction to anesthesia, herniated discs, pills, pills and more pills. Are you kidding me?! I just want to be married, enjoy my wife, learn to be a husband. That’s not our story.
The first phone call came on our honeymoon – we found out she has diabetes. That’s a life changing phone call less than a week after a life changing commitment. My first thought – better now than before we were married. At least I can be there to support her. I love her dearly – that won’t change.
At first, I don’t think I was angry. However, that changed as the year continued. We honored God before and after our marriage – why this? Why us? Everyone says “there will always be challenges” – no kidding, I get it. However, I still want to learn to be a married couple – you know that kind where the honeymoon phase lasts for a year. We didn’t get that.
So, as time went by the doctors visits became fewer and farther between . My anger subsided. Life was moving forward with mundane challenges. This was good. Then, she goes to the doctor for her foot. He sends her to a specialist and he says come back in a week – you have two problems that only 10% of the world has…..THE WORLD!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!!!
This is when I discovered I am still angry at God. Two and half years into our marriage and it’s a glimpse back to that first year. I am tired of my wife suffering, being in pain, not feeling well and basically just not comfortable on a daily basis.
I know, I know…… we don’t have it that bad. My guilt is sufficient – I get it. However, it still sucks.
As for me being mad at my wife – I was. Not a lot, but for a long time, she didn’t do her part to get better. This brought back memories of my mom – she was an alcoholic. Alcoholism killed her. All she had to do was stop drinking. That’s it. No chemo, no physical therapy, no shots, no pills, no nothing – just put down the effing glass. She couldn’t, now she can’t. My fear is that I will lose my wife. I know fear is not of God. However, knowing these things doesn’t mean it’s easy to walk out. For me, it’s not.
So today, I’m angry. Maybe it’s not at God, maybe it is. It’s in times like this that I have to focus on what I know and not what I feel.
I know God loves me.
I know God forgives me.
I know God gives me grace.
I know God will never leave me.
I believe there is an enemy out there, he works to keep us miserable. I know that if I have a problem that I share, the enemy cannot twist it – no way, no how.
Through my anger, I will find peace. My prayer is that the “peace” will come soon and that my wife will re-gain her health and strength.