Angry at God

Okay God….. I’m mad.

That’s right….. I’m mad at God. 

So what you say….. I can live with that.  First off, let me tell you who “I’ am.

I am John.  I am Brenda’s husband.  I am exceptionally proud to have Brenda as my wife and thoroughly excited I get to spend my life with her.

 I realized I was still angry with God this past week as my wife went to the doctor.

 This started on our honeymoon and lasted over a year…… I wasn’t mad at my wife (not entirely – more on that in a bit)…. I was mad that she was suffering.  If you have ever met my wife – you know she is an amazing woman.  She radiates love and has a smile that puts you at ease.  She captivates those around her.  I always have said….. “My wife loves everyone, I am just lucky enough to spend every day with her!”

So, he we are…….. newly married couple, change of residence for me, new family – basically A LOT of change.  Okay, I knew it was coming and I was okay with that.  What we didn’t see coming was diabetes, asthma, high cholesterol, vision issues, female issues, sickness, doctor’s visit, specialist, adverse reaction to anesthesia, herniated discs, pills, pills and more pills.  Are you kidding me?!  I just want to be married, enjoy my wife, learn to be a husband.  That’s not our story.

The first phone call came on our honeymoon – we found out she has diabetes.  That’s a life changing phone call less than a week after a life changing commitment.  My first thought – better now than before we were married.  At least I can be there to support her.  I love her dearly – that won’t change.

At first, I don’t think I was angry.  However, that changed as the year continued.  We honored God before and after our marriage – why this?  Why us?  Everyone says “there will always be challenges” – no kidding, I get it.  However, I still want to learn to be a married couple – you know that kind where the honeymoon phase lasts for a year.  We didn’t get that.

So, as time went by the doctors visits became fewer and farther between .  My anger subsided.  Life was moving forward with mundane challenges.  This was good.  Then, she goes to the doctor for her foot.  He sends her to a specialist and he says come back in a week – you have two problems that only 10% of the world has…..THE WORLD!!!!!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!!!

This is when I discovered I am still angry at God.  Two and half years into our marriage and it’s a glimpse back to that first year.  I am tired of my wife suffering, being in pain, not feeling well and basically just not comfortable on a daily basis.

 I know, I know…… we don’t have it that bad.  My guilt is sufficient – I get it.  However, it still sucks.

As for me being mad at my wife – I was.  Not a lot, but for a long time, she didn’t do her part to get better.  This brought back memories of my mom – she was an alcoholic.  Alcoholism killed her.  All she had to do was stop drinking.  That’s it.  No chemo, no physical therapy, no shots, no pills, no nothing – just put down the effing glass.  She couldn’t, now she can’t.  My fear is that I will lose my wife.  I know fear is not of God.  However, knowing these things doesn’t mean it’s easy to walk out.  For me, it’s not.

So today, I’m angry.  Maybe it’s not at God, maybe it is.  It’s in times like this that I have to focus on what I know and not what I feel.

I know God loves me.

I know God forgives me.

I know God gives me grace.

I know God will never leave me.

I believe there is an enemy out there, he works to keep us miserable.  I know that if I have a problem that I share, the enemy cannot twist it – no way, no how.

Through my anger, I will find peace.  My prayer is that the “peace” will come soon and that my wife will re-gain her health and strength.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Angry at God

  1. That, my brother,was abso-freakin-lutely the best thing I’ve read from you!!! I know that I’ve known Bren a long, long, long time… but, Im also here for you, as a brother in Christ! So anytime you need an ear to listen, I have those! You have done a great job over the last couple of years. I’m tired of her suffering too. 🙂 The enemy can’t “create”. He can only twist what is already. Stay strong, keep lookin up!

    Love ya guys!
    Barry

  2. Its nice to know that someone else feels the same way – my husband is pre-diabetic, has pre-heart issues,and his knees are shot. He’s not old enough to have his life limited, I’m not old enough to have his life limited. We need peace and praying for a way to accept and peace to deal with these issues is the only way to go. Thanks for sharing.

  3. John,
    What maturity you show by admitting that you’re angry with God. It’s okay to be angry with God – tremendous growth and revelation comes out of times of such honesty. When Brenda comes to mind, I am reminded of the story of Job. Job’s trials were a test from God – and he prevailed and was doubly blessed. Let’s press in and search the heart of God – is this a test from Him? If so, let’s continue to pray for Brenda to have the strength to prevail and look forward to her double blessing. If this is not a test from God, let’s get angry at the Enemy and take back Brenda’s health from the clutches of the Enemy! I love you both so much and will be fasting and praying for wisdom and health for Brenda.

  4. Brother,

    Thank you for baring your woes. I know its not easy, but healing. I too am (still) angry with God about certain things, but He often reminds me that He works on me my whole life (especially when I think ‘we covered that thing – I’m good now’). He is the patient Teacher. Really, really patient.

  5. Wow. Yes it’s more than Okay to be angry with God! I’ve had my moments too – this last year??? Don’t even get me started with some of our circumstances and people in our lives. Questions??? You betcha. About a MILLION of them. Thanks for being authentic, John. I have found MUCH healing by simply WRITING about it. It doesn’t mean we have the answers – it just simply means we can share it – get it off our chests and out of our heads and try to make sense of it – have support from our friends who have ALL BEEN THERE – oh yes – in more ways than you can even FREAKIN imagine. I’m so NOT KIDDING!

    Love you guys! ♥♥♥

  6. Courage is the human virtue that counts most–courage to act on limited knowledge and insufficient evidence. That’s all any of us have ~
    Robert Frost

    Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one ~
    Bruce Lee

    Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal. ~
    Henry Ford

    Press on. Obstacles are seldom the same size tomorrow as they are today. ~
    Robert H. Schuller

    Obstacles are like wild animals. They are cowards but they will bluff you if they can. If they see you are afraid of them… they are liable to spring upon you; but if you look them squarely in the eye, they will slink out of sight. ~
    Orison Swett Marden

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s