How does one go two months without communicating here?
How does one go two months undisciplined?
How does one go two months without communicating with their God?
Now…its been less than two months since God and I have talked but…the discipline part? Yeah…not so good.
So much is happening…its all good but its essential to connect here…with myself…with you.
Im sorry Ive been out of touch..the emails requesting the next entry were so nice and encouraging!!
See…I was pouting.
I went to my small group weeks ago and I was rambling about past addictions, etc and I said “I dont know what my point is..” and the facilitator says…”You like everything in a box with a pretty little bow”
Back the bus up, sister…What did you say to me?!??! ME!!
Thats right. I’m guilty…but I was angry for the exposure, for sure!!!
After my group was over, I went to my car, steaming, and called my husband…poor guy. I asked him..”Do I like everything in a pretty little box with a bow?” There was an extended pause and he says to me…”You know I cant win here, right?” After I had assurred him there was no consequence to his answer..LOL…he said “Yes.”
So I pouted. I did nothing. I found myself asking myself if my whole life was about one single effort to control…things, people, my family, myself, my circumstances…etc…what couldnt I control? Hmm…what a list….an exhausting list.
See…I could sit here and explain to you all my past hurts…abuse from relationships, rape, rejection, death of those close to me…yeah…its happened…
I could sit here and explain to you all my acting out…promiscuity, addiction, being in relationships I had no business being in….the list could continue…
But as I sit now…weeks after this conversation in my small group…its true. Whatever the issues were in my past or present…I have done everything I could to control life so that those things wouldnt happen again. So I wouldnt get hurt again…so I wouldnt get rejected again….So my children wouldnt have to experience any hurt, pain, you name it. Of course how realistic that is is ridiculous but in my mind…it made sense. Somewhere in my mind, I had it all worked out…and was exhausting myself in the process. Still do some days.
I think about the years raising my children without a man in my life…or rather, raising my children without the exposure to the men in my life…hmmm….Let me just stop right here…I knew my sin…and kept my children from the men I dated, etc because I knew they werent the best for them…but I didnt give myself the same value…really. I would date good men and bad but they could never come to my house, my kids couldnt meet them unless I had dated them for a LONG time first and they never had an exposure to my life outside of them….I KNEW it wasnt the best for them…yet I did it. I controlled their exposure…in this respect, I think it was good…but I didnt control my exposure..hmmm….value…I sure didnt have much for myself, did I?
So is this rambling about control or value…for the sake of time, lets tackle the control portion but in some respect I think both play into what Im saying about my epiphany…
I have lived my entire life trying to control things. At times Ive been bossy, manipulative, strong handed…and at times, it was just doing something so it “got done right the first time”. It doesnt matter if its work, home, ministry, etc…I delegate well…I just always thought it was better done if I did it myself. People would say “What a great leader you are!!” and I would know that while the task got done well…my motives werent always a pure as they may have thought. It was never ill-intended…well, most of the time, anyway…but it certainly was an attempt to control the outcome, final result or consequences. As a child, I always weighed what I felt the outcome was going to be before I would do something…as an adult, it carried over tremendously. My husband noted something to me recently and while I wont quote it here, it clearly showed me my pattern of control. I love him dearly but in love, he can bring the pain!!! Ouch!!! LOL!!!
I look at the tug-of-war that I have allowed between my servant heart and my need to control and boy, am I tired!!
I was created to give, serve, love, etc…why am I fighting against this?
I could give you countless examples of control but perhaps this rambling is already resonating within your own heart. In what areas do you need to share the responsibility? In what areas can you delegate and leave in someone else’s hands…In what areas can we trust our spouses to handle something, even if it doesnt turn out like we would have done it?
Something to think about…
I’m sweeping for freedom…and my need for control is in the dust pan….
I dont have the answers…and Im still asking questions…but my dialogue with God is changing…and I am listening and seeking His direction in healing my need for pretty boxes and bows.
I’m praying for you.