3.5 years. It’s how long I’ve been diagnosed with diabetes. It’s how long I’ve been married. It’s how long I’ve had to really look at myself in the mirror since learning about my health challenges. And it’s how long I’ve chosen to only glance at the same mirror. Until today. Today we look…full on…no excuses. Today we choose to see her…and love her…and forgive her.
Now…truth be told, I’ve been “In process” my whole life. Growing up, the sisters of the church could be heard saying “Please be patient with me, God isn’t finished with me yet!” Or “It’s okay, baby, its covered under the blood.” Both are true….both I’ve used to mask, cover, blame-shift my way into not reconciling with the girl in the mirror. That is all about to change. Or is it changing? I have more questions than answers but God always comes through…and gives me just what I need.
You’ve read the previous posts….you know this began with me in Africa. He said that’s when it was supposed to start, my getting physically healthy….but I realized something. I’ve been contemplating change for a very long time. I’ve sat…and sat….and sat….and thought…and thought….and thought….and decided…and not followed through….and decided again…and not followed through….and I’m tired. Yes, I get back up….Yes, I keep going…its all good…but its not my best and it’s not God’s best. And I am deserving of both. Again.
So where does “start” begin? Or begin again?
I get up in the morning and it starts with putting my feet on the ground. Now don’t get so detailed that you want to start with opening your eyes… (I get the connection that you have to “see” where you are before you can begin but bear with me here…let’s assume we are already there.) Feet on the ground. I’ve made my decision to change; I’ve gotten my feet on the ground….now what? I know its going to hard work where I’m going. I’ve spent YEARS getting here. Not just the three and a half that I’ve eluded to above…no, no…its been decades of poor health decisions that have gotten me to this place and it will take a bit to get out…or through…or beyond…but I’m on my way…still…again…it doesn’t matter…I’m in motion.
Almost a year from my first entry here….seven months since my last entry…and what is different about that day to today? Consistency.
Today, I put my boots on.
I’m tired of being afraid.
I didn’t get back into the box…but I sat on top of it. I didn’t do all I set out to do this year…but I did some. He didn’t look at me and say “You are unqualified because….” He said, “Be still, Stand, Move” and I did. And He showed me that while I was sitting, He was still about my business. He is a faithful God and while I was busying myself with ‘stuff” (However good), it wasn’t His stuff….the stuff He was asking of me. A good girlfriend told me recently that I needed to get beyond my fear…that I keep things “in progress” and that I would rather not complete something than risk getting it wrong or rejected. Hmmm…tough things to swallow…I might still be choking. But I have my boots on. Ready to do the work fully…I have everything I need…let’s get going…a new beginning…to tack onto all the other “new beginnings”….
Create in me a clean heart, Oh God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Grab your brooms, girls…they’re meant to do the dirty work.
Oh…and get your boots on!