The Healing of a Broken and Contrite Heart

He was in the dusk of his final days and I knew the time was drawing near  that I would need to either step out or lose all chance of receiving the one thing that I needed most from him. Forgiveness. I had stalled on this conversation for years and allowed time and distance to be the manifestation of my fear and neglect to the relationship.  I had ignored, time and time again, the prompting of the Holy Spirit to reach out, dig deep and allow humility to heal not only the relationship I ruined but also, my broken and contrite heart. My heart, in this situation…lay broken and  battered from the abuse I had inflicted on it from the decisions I had made and continued to make.

Yes, I had done this. And to me, there was no coming back or restoration that could be had. Was it worth a try? Absolutely not.

Yet…

Would the fear of not knowing if restoration was possible, add water the streams of unforgiveness and create a river of bitterness that would flow into an ocean of endless waves of grief, self-doubt and loathing every time I remembered?

I knew that it would and to live on without this man and  a lack of forgiveness consuming my heart, it was unbearable to consider. I knew I must step in faith, knowing whatever the outcome, I had peace in the offering. No matter how selfish it felt to know that I would remain among the living with sweet relief while he lay riddled with cancer…I had to act.

Yet, fear.

And then I found myself in Psalm 51. David. His sin in the matter of Uriah. Murder. Adultery. His feelings of separation with God. And his holy repentance.

“Create in me a clean heart, O God and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence and take not your Holy Spirit from me.” (v 10-11)

David’s anguish before God and his pleas for a clean heart and a right spirit align in us all our inherent need for the presence of the One that formed us. The cries of a broken and contrite heart to the One that began it’s beating…

“O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” (v 15-17)

A Holy God. And His assurance in His Word that He would not despise a broken and contrite heart.

Ummm….What?!

I had wounded, abused, beat up, thrown down and despised my heart time and time again for my transgressions and He would not? WOW.  This was the moment where fear and selfishness no longer had a voice because true repentance and humility sang the sweet tune of praise to a God that restores, redeems and forgives. And in that moment, He did just that.

And courage found it’s place and love walked me through it.

And forgiveness was given.

From both my God and my Tribe.

And myself. To myself.

In fact, that night that I sat weeping in my home office, writing words of repentance that I wished I could say in person, God gave me the most beautiful vision of Heaven that I was able to end my letter with giving comfort that this man could have in the knowledge he was already resting in the arms of his Father and Creator.

My letter was read to him just a short time before the sun finally set and the heavens welcomed this warrior. As he lay weeping, he said these words…

“You tell her I forgave her a long time ago…”

“He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.” (Psalm 103, v 10-13)

 

 

 

 

A Challenge to the Church as we Keep Up with the Kardashians

Hey Church….There’s been a lot of news/posts/sports op-ed pieces written today about Lamar Odom and his being found unconscious in a brothel in Nevada. News of possible cocaine, alcohol and sexual enhancement supplement use has him in the hospital with his wife, Khloe Kardashian by his side and possibly fighting for his life. As the church, there are some things we need to remember.

In the midst of it all, we can never overlook the workings of God and the Holy Spirit. We are called to be in the world but not of it and to remain kingdom minded.

And we never act in regards to anything without love.

I’m surprised at some of the things written and honestly, saddened by the response/comments of many. Everyone is entitled to have their opinions and hear me in that I respect their right to say whatever they want, but as the wife of a man that has spent the last 10 years choosing sobriety and choosing life above cocaine and other drugs, I pray every day that God keep us and keep my husband in His grip.

We are all one decision away of walking outside the will of God and His victory. Lamar is no different.

I’m grateful for the tribe my family has that allows us to talk openly and come for accountability and love but others aren’t always so lucky. I pray no one calls my husband the things that have been said about Lamar as he is challenged each day to do life, in spite of his upbringing and circumstances. It would be tragic if God is bringing about all the circumstances of Lamar and Khloe’s lives for His purposes and we miss a chance to activate the heavens on their behalf while we sit in judgment and not partner with them in prayer.

What if God is creating the visibility to this issue to activate the Saints to battle? THESE are the one we are warring for, Church!! He came to set free those in bondage and heal the brokenhearted. What would you have said/done if someone, struggling with addiction, was found at a legal brothel, and you were the one that got the call to help?

Would you show them Jesus or judgment?

Would you stop as the man did on the Samaritan Road and pick them up, clean their wounds and help them heal? I pray to God that any of you sitting in judgment today of Lamar and his choices, would answer my call…come to my aid…and love me as Jesus does. Don’t make ANYONE in your sphere of influence or with visibility to your venom today doubt you wouldn’t do the same for them. They just may need your Jesus in those moments and wish they had someone to call. They won’t forget your words or action and may suffer the same fate as Lamar. Shame on us if we lose just one…because of something we could have controlled.

Especially, our unbridled tongue.

I’m praying we continue to grow and mature in Him, seek His words and wisdom and do what we know to do best, Tribe. Listen, Pray, Serve.

I’m praying for us all.  May we be the Church to a connection-starved world that just wants to be seen and heard. And valued…just as we are.

In My Weakness…

He is strong.

It’s all I know right now.

It’s all I can depend on.

As life moves and days flow by, I am more aware every moment of my need to utterly depend on God.

Strong statement you say?  Perhaps…but what other things do I depend on without a thought?

Breathing? Food? Water?

Who gives them to me?

Who gave me the very breath I breathe?

He did.

Psalm 3:5, 6 says: “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.”

Cool.

Hmm…

Trust.

Lean not to my own understanding.

Acknowledge Him in all things.

He’ll work it out.

Got it.

Til the next time I worry, fret, fail or fall.

And he gently reminds me….

“My grace is sufficient, my daughter, and My power works best in weakness.”  (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Huh?

Best in weakness.  Doesnt that just BLOW your mind?  When my body hurts and Im feeling like I got hit by a truck, the last thing I want to do is pick up, carry, and do ANYTHING…Im certainly feeling WEAK and without STRENGTH and He says that’s when His power works BEST?

Not to carry my heavy box but to carry my heavy heart.

Oh yeah…that.

*smile*  Oh Friends…its all He is about.  Loving his kids enough to carry their heavy loads and burdens.

His Word says… “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.”

He wants your stuff.  Your weakness, your cares, your every moment of every day….simply because He cares and is crazy about you!

So in looking at those verses, here is my final thought on what I know He is saying to me today…(Sweeping The Temple Version!)

My daughter, I am so crazy about you!  I see how things are spinning around you and I want you to know today that I love you and I am in the midst. Cast your cares on me today…Trust in Me and stop trying to fuss and fret and work it out in your own head…I got this!!  I know the path I have for you, humble yourself and the feeling that you have to do it all for yourself…you never have to do it alone for I am here and want to take it from you because I love you.  I see you are tired but remember this…I am at my very best in you when you are feeling your weakest.  I love you, daughter…

See…He simply does…because he simply loves.

In my weakness, He is strong.

Stop, Surrender, Submit, Strength, Success.

I’m praying for you, keep sweeping.

THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW!!!

Yesterday, on my commute home, I was talking to a girlfriend about foods that we don’t allow in our houses for one reason or another. These reasons included allergies, intolerance, and challenges with portion control. Ultimately, choice. I realized in the midst of the conversation that I was running low on petrol so I disconnect from my girlfriend and stopped to get gas at Kennydale…yeah…the Chevron with the little grocery store for you local folks. So let’s get it out of the way and talk about the elle in the room…there are NO good choices at this little store…LOL!! FOR REAL. Knowing I am hours away from food and due to poor planning and a headache, I buy a bag of Ritz cracker and peanut butter sandwiches. You know, the little bag of goodness?! Yeah…The bag said that there were three servings in each bag (12 little bite sized sandwiches made up a serving.) and so I ate my one serving. I call my girlfriend back and quickly note to her that I may have found something that CANNOT be in my house. These little ditties were distracting and I could have SWORN that the bag was calling to me!! Seriously. My girl, GINA, says, “Well yeah, it’s PB between butter! Throw it out the window, I don’t care if you litter!!!”

WHO DOESNT LOVE THAT?!

I tossed the bag in the backseat and out of reach but WOW, that was close! I would have eaten the whole bag!! It’s disposed of now (In the garbage) but my point is twofold…One, who is your support that screams, “Throw it out the window!!!”?! Is your issue food? Toxic relationships? Negative self-talk to the one in the mirror?

Let me say it in case you don’t have that support, “THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW!!!!”

It’s not serving you well, get rid of it! Jesus said that he came that we might have life and life more abundantly…toxic living, at any degree, isn’t abundance, Tribe. His desire is for us to get freedom and victory in these areas and trust him in the process.

He’s got you.

While I could just stop there…let me press in just a bit further…in regards to food alone. What are some food items in your house, car, or office that perhaps are no longer serving you? I challenge you today to be brave and discard just one item and choose to not allow it to enter that area again. Just one. Nothing more. For today. 🙂 God loves you so much, Tribe…He began the good work in us, let’s trust him today to complete it. I’m praying for you!

Keep Sweeping!

 

The True Vine

The purpose is His, He will carry it out; the fruit is His, He will bring it forth; the abiding is His, He will maintain it.” ~ Andrew Murray  

“However strong the branch becomes, however far away it reaches round the home, out of sight of the vine, all its beauty and all its fruitfulness ever depend upon that one point of contact where it grows out of the vine. So be it with us too.”
― Andrew Murray

“Christ Jesus said: “I am the Vine, ye are the branches.” In other words: “I, the living One who have so completely given myself to you, am the Vine. You cannot trust me too much. I am the Almighty Worker, full of a divine life and power.” You are the branches of the Lord Jesus Christ. If there is in your heart the consciousness that you are not a strong, healthy, fruit-bearing branch, not closely linked with Jesus, not living in Him as you should be—then listen to Him say: “I am the Vine, I will receive you, I will draw you to myself, I will bless you, I will strengthen you, I will fill you with my Spirit. I, the Vine, have taken you to be my branches, I have given myself utterly to you; children, give yourselves utterly to me. I have surrendered myself as God absolutely to you; I became man and died for you that I might be entirely yours. Come and surrender yourselves entirely to be mine.”
― Andrew Murray

A Sailor’s Dying Wish

Why I am so proud to be the daughter and wife of Navy Vets…

43 & Free – The Fox and the Harvest

Today is my birthday…I’m 43…and determined this to be my year to walk in freedom and victory.  I’ve spent the last nine months intentionally working on my “stuff”….only to acknowledge that I’ve been a work in progress all along.

These past months have taken me on a journey that brought me to healing my guilt and shame, the wounds of the past and setting me and my marriage on fertile ground that has been planted with great seeds that will yield a plentiful harvest if we continue to cultivate a rich environment for the fruits of love, joy, peace, patience and a tree of wisdom and success beyond our wildest forecast.  As with all things harvested, only time will prove the success of the planters…and I have it on good authority that The Master Planter has great intentions for the harvest of my heart and marriage.  The Bible says in Psalm 85:12 (NIV) “The LORD will indeed give what is good, and our land will yield its harvest.”  I believe with everything in me that with a confident God that only suggests that we “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3: 5,6) that fruit is guaranteed when we trust in the fruitful harvest that only He can bring.

Its been quite a year since I last blogged here…As Solomon noted in Song of Solomon 2, “…the little foxes, that spoil the vines…” I’ve realized that the things that I thought were life-changing and vision-altering were simply foxes in an attempt to spoil the harvest….seriously, we make things so difficult for ourselves sometimes, don’t we?!  The heartache comes when we realize that we left the gate open with a big, fat “Welcome, Foxes” sign on the post that they readily took advantage of and it’s when we are sitting in the dirt wondering what happened that we realize we failed to armor up and stay vigilant. See…my foxes…yeah…they are fear, anxiety, worry, pride…you get the idea.  I read throughout the Bible of men and women of faith that fell to fear and my hope comes in the written knowledge that God still used them and taught them in the midst of that same fear.  I read a quote in a blog this morning that changed my perspective about Peter and the night he walked on water…Fear is a thief. It robbed Peter of a perfectly good walk on water, and kept the eleven in the boat – Bill Johnson …Peter went on to do great things with Jesus and I am confident that I have done great things in/through/for Him and will continue to do so…but my fear…its hindering.  My foxes come with name tags like “Fear of rejection”, “Fear of abandonment”, “Fear of water”, “Fear of loss of control”….Seriously, friends….I could go on.  Yet when I look back, He still used me and I still grew and I am still healing.  It leads me to this one conclusion:  If I was used, grown and healed in the midst of fear…how much more effective could I be in spite of it?!  That’s what courage is…action in spite of fear not the absence of it.  I learned that on a recent trip to Hawaii with my children…I was determined throughout the trip to do the things I was afraid of…and I lived through it!!  What deception I believed!!  I put my face in water (Hadn’t in over 20 years…including in the shower), I got in a water tank with a Wolphin, I flew in an airplane….I apologized to my children.  And I lived through it all…and continue to do so.

SO this year…my 43rd year…I am determined to seize freedom and victory and hold on to them with everything in me.  I will step out in spite of fear and do the things that were mine to accomplish before the foundation of the earth was laid…

As my husband always says…”We step as if we have God’s approval…He’ll let us know if we don’t.”

I’m free. I have victory. I am a daughter of the King. I honor Him well. I have courage.

Time to shore up the gates, friends…the enemy seeks like a roaring lion, whom he may devour.  Better to deal with the little fox before the big game arrives.

I love you and I’m praying for you!

I’m Nothing Without You…

A girlfriend sent this to me four years ago and I just fell upon it again…too good not to share!

 

I’m Nothing Without You…

Lord I trust you, you mean so much to me.
Lord I’m nothing without you
I give you all I say and do.
Lord you’re all I want to see
Please close my eyes and mind to the lies that haunt me.
You’re the only perfect one,
So perfect I’ll never be.
And I’m okay with that.
Lord my body is your temple
And I want to treat it that way
Lord take away the obsession
To need to control how much I weigh.
Lord, I don’t know the reasons I do the things I do.
Please make them clear to me
So I can work on them and improve
Until then Lord I offer them all to you.
Lord you said no man can serve two gods
And right now I feel I do.
I’m so concerned about food
That it gets in the way of you.
Lord, I’m sorry for disobeying
And I’m sorry for not trusting you.
You’ve brought me this far so I know you won’t leave
Lord, I give you my life and my body
I give you everything.

Question of the Day

Every day I asked my team a Question of the Day.  My team consists of 44 – “20-Somethings” that, for some, are in their first professional gig.  They are all college graduates working in advertising with me and a true delight. My questions are sometimes funny, sometimes humorous and sometimes challenging.  I thought I would share some of their answers from my latest question…they’re quite good.  Maybe one of two can challenge you…no matter the age! 

 

Question of the Day: What One Piece of Advice Would You Give to a Graduating Senior From High School Getting Ready to Venture Out?

 

• Make sure you always have a plan B.
• Major in something that’s a trade like accounting or engineering. There are a lot more jobs in demand for those types.
• Have a balanced college life.
• Integrity is doing the right thing, even if nobody is watching.
• I would emphasize to them not to rush themselves when it comes to choosing what they want to do in life, don’t rush to pick a major, maybe take a year off before going to college, realize that any great success or anything worth having in life, takes lots and lots of time and hard work, so be patient and practice practice practice. Know that you’re not going to be awesome your first try, what’s important is that you keep trying and trying, and learn from every mistake you make.
• Set goals of all sizes; daily/weekly goals but also bigger goals academically and professionally. Always strive to accomplish them and you will always be working toward something you want.
• The most important thing you can do to succeed in life is to show up.  Show up to class.  Show up to practice.  Show up to work.  Show up to support your friends and family.  Show up for life.  Success takes being there.
• Know who you are and what you stand for.  
• Laugh as often as you can and enjoy the moments you have with the people you love.
• Remember that the world needs people who will give a hand up, not a handout. Help people who don’t have what you have.  
• To have as much fun as you can but to be conscience of your future/rest of your life.
• Learn the credit card game.
• Study hard so you can play hard.
• Enjoy college and travel as much as possible
• Starting in the late fall or early winter, begin looking for internship opportunities that match your interested or career goals. 
• Dont spend to many hours playing video games. Applying the hours that would be spend on video games to something more stimulating or informative could pay huge dividends later down the road, especially allocating those hours at this young an age.
• You are in control of your own life.  No one is going to hold your hand during this journey.  You need to be driven and make the most of what you have been given.  The observer creates reality. Seize the day.
• Find your passion, follow it, and the rest of life will fall into place as long as you are nice to people and brush your teeth.
• Never be afraid to take chances because 10 years from now would you rather be asking yourself “what if?” or saying “oh well” ??
• what you put into something is what you will get out of it. Nothing is just handed to you in life, you have to work hard to get where you want to be.  
• I would say my advice is to set reachable goals, so the transition from high school to college or a job is smoother.
• I would stress time management when you get to college. It’s important to have fun but make sure you are managing your time well and balancing out your schoolwork and social life. Too much of either one can have a negative effect.  
• Follow you passions, attain your goals, but know that sometimes the wave of life will throw you off course, just maintain your breath and continue to get back up on the board, and you will find success.
• Don’t be nervous for the future. Everything always works out in the end.
• Go to college!!! Seriously, it is the best time of your life!
• Make sure you do your “homework” on all the colleges/programs you’re interested in as well as scholarship opportunities.
• Don’t be afraid to change your mind (as far as your major/path)
• Don’t pick a major just because your friends did or because you think you should or it’s the safe choice. Pick something you’re actually interested in, you may be in that field for a while you should at least like it.
• Make sure to do internships or related work while you’re still in school
• Don’t wait until the last minute (senior year) to start planning for after college, it goes by much quicker than you think!
• College is the time to learn and explore on your terms.  So don’t forget to have fun, take chances, try new things, travel, and meet new people. All of these experiences make up who you are and you never know what you will discover or who you will meet that could change your life indefinitely.

 

Keep Sweeping!

 

 

With a Heart of Thanksgiving…

A quiet house.  A quiet dog.  Husband at work and the kids out for the evening.  Work sits silent.  And the voice of my Creator, my Father, the One that knows me best…beckons.

“Come talk to me…or just listen for awhile…I want to share some things with you…”

And He did.  And I will never be the same.

November 19th, 2011.

I hear you, Lord.

Ever have that moment where it all comes to a head?  Ever have that moment that everything builds to a place that you think its all going to implode?  Or you will?  Ever feel like “If one more things happens?” or “If I get one more bad report…”  Yeah…I know that place.

The details of where I sit right now dont matter.  He knows.  The place my heart sits right now?  Yeah, He knows that too.  Too vague?  Maybe but He says that the details dont matter, only my response to them does.  He says that in my weakness He is strong, Im counting on it.  He says the time for half ass compliance is over and putting all that is behind and pressing on is the new lense we are looking through now.  Total obedience, regardless.  No matter what the doctors say, He says YOU SHALL LIVE AND NOT DIE!!!!!

What do the days ahead look like?  I dont know but I do know that starting tomorrow…it will be different.  I will be different.  I know the steps and I do know that He has put everything I need inside me to live and succeed and be compliant with everything He says.  And I am going to walk it out.  And I am going to journal it here…for you and with you. 

230…Its my weight.  I am 41 years old.  I am very sick.  They say I will be blind and not walking in 6 years.  They are wrong.  My body shuts down at 7pm every night and I can barely walk.  They are still wrong.  My husband helps me to bed every night.  I love it but they are, most certainly, still wrong. 

My entire life I have asked God for 100,000 women to stand before and tell them He loves them.  Every vision of this that He gives me is of my walking to the podium and standing.  WALKING and STANDING and I could SEE them.  That hasnt happened yet and my destiny says its mine.  I WILL be there on that day.  I WILL WALK.  I WILL STAND.  I WILL SEE.  And NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER. 

Tomorrow.  Like never before I feel a fire ignited within me and I cant fail for great is His faithfulness to me and I shall be faithful in return.  One year from now…on December 31st, 2012.  I will see the fruition of my steps.  I will see the victory over sickness, addiction and half ass living.  My family will walk in unity, joy shall be my fruit and love be my guide.

Will you join me?

I’ve picked up my broom once again, friends…its dusty but its usefulness never went away….I did.  We start sweeping in 2 hours and 30 minutes.  Get your rest, its going to be a great adventure. 

And we will do it with a Heart of Thanksgiving.

I love you and am praying for you and ask the same in return.

Start Sweeping!